BREAKING: Wonder Woman Runs for President (Ubergeeky MetaSnark)

Originally posted by aphra behn on 01/21/07

By LOIS LANE with Peter Parker. (DC Press International.) Senator Diana Prince of Themiscyra, more popularly known as “Wonder Woman,” announced her candidacy today, provoking both interest and criticism from the Democratic blogosphere. She joins a slate of Democratic super-candidates who are getting tough reviews online.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting“I battled an ancient Gorgon to a standstill. I’ve defeated Hades himself.  I’m a warrior with vast experience leading Amazons in battle, as well as a scientist and ambassador  fluent in most of the earth’s languages. I’m an ex-demigoddess who embodies the principles of truth, love, and peace,” she noted in her statement. Senator Prince (whose website calls her merely ‘Diana,’) also emphasized her credentials as a bloody-knuckled brawler. To demonstrate her divinely-granted powers, she tore down the entire press platform and rebuilt it at lightning speed, before fending off bullets with her amazonium bracelets. 

Republicans were unimpressed. “Yes, she has led vast armies of superpowered Amazons and saved the earth multiple times, but…I simply don’t picture her as a Commander-in-chief. Can you?  She just doesn’t seem, you know, very tough. She’s always on about peace and understanding…ha! …ha!…ha!” chuckled official White House spokesperson the Penguin. “It’s not that she’s a woman, of course,” he quickly added. “Nothing to do with that at all, ha.. ha… ha…! In these times, we just need someone tougher than a hot babe blessed with the strength of the earth itself. Notwithstanding that, we wish her all the best….ha…!ha…!ha..!”

Democratic-leaning blogs quickly tagged Senator Prince a “hawk” and questioned her credentials. Poster *bluebeetlelives* at DailyJusticeLeague wrote in a blazing front page discussion: “Truth? Peace? Love? She has NO credibility, NONE, ever since she murdered Maxwell Lord. Oh, I know she says she was saving the earth from certain doom, yada yada yada…but, really.”

Others were troubled by the idea of White House royalty, noting that Senator Prince’s mother was once Queen of the Amazons. “This is the United States, not some crackpot little utopia,” wrote poster *formercheckmateagent* There were also questions about her fervently expressed devotion to the ancient Greek religion. “How convenient, now that Governor Thor has started to explore a run, that she suddenly starts talking about her “demigoddess” status and making references to her relationship with the Greek pantheon. It’s like she’s trying to compete with him for the Pagan vote, and I think it’s disgusting, calculated pandering,” blazed poster *iluvelogan*.
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Some voices were supportive, but questioned her media reception. “Her ideas are amazing-I mean, she’s a master of all known human  philosophy, ancient and modern. But the press just wants to talk about her clothes!” mused user *helenawayne*. “How many articles will we read about  her star-spangled granny panties? Look at the way the press treats Speaker Black Canary. Senator Superman prances around in tights, and no one says a word. But let a woman show up for work in fishnet stockings and a black bustier, and all anyone can talk about is her appearance.  It’s ridiculous.”

Wonder Woman can take some comfort in the fact that her closest rival, Senator Superman (D-Smallville), has also been treated with mixed reviews from the blogosphere.

“He’s young, and charming, and from the Midwest. He’s inspirational, has old-timey values. And the smile! The abs of steel-literally!” gushed *lanalangwannabe* at SuperfriendsUnderground. “I think he could be this generation’s Captain America. I really do.”

“Ridiculous,” scoffed *anglemanwasframed*. “Look, I  know that Senator Kent has saved the world from certain doom and found a cure for cancer. I realize that he has the power to turn the earth backwards on its axis and revive the dead.  But the South will never accept him. He’s an illegal alien-literally. I mean, when you arrive by meteor, you don’t go through INS.  You KNOW the Republicans are going to make out that he’s really just  here freeloading on our healthcare system.”

Several bloggers pointed to recent smear jobs by InJustice News, which claimed that Superman has an undisclosed ability: X-Ray vision. He has been very careful not to let the world know that he sees everyone in the nude. While the “secret ogler” label has yet to stick, it seems that his real name may also cause him problems.  InJustice News anchor Black Manta recently  questioned whether “Kal-El” betokened a connection to known terrorists El-Kelda, and the phonetic similarity has some Dems spooked.

“Supes is truly the man for me! He’s probably the perfect human being. ” mused *krypto* at blog Xpeople. “But I just don’t know if Americans can get past his funny name.”
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All of the front-running superheroes come in for tremendous criticism, and no favorites have emerged.

*Batman*: Senator Wayne has expressed serious interest, but Dems are not eager to let him off the hook for his 2004 loss to the Joker. “He was up against the Joker-the friggin’ JOKER!-and he BLEW IT! He’s just too cold, too distant, and too darn rich. Let him stay up at Wayne Manor and experiment with his little devices to save the world. He ain’t gettin’ my vote. No way,” stated *blackcat* at WingoftheLegion.

*Robin*: Batman’s former running mate, Robin, now going by Nightwing, is an early favorite for his boyish good looks, nifty black uniform, and  passionate advocacy for the victims of supervillain crime. He too has his critics. “Oh come on. *Nightwing*? He tries to step out of Batman’s shadow and reinvents himself as *Nightwing*? Lame, lame, lame. He’s the same old Robin-lite, spoiled rich boy trying to relate to the ordinary man on the Gotham street. Fake, fake, fake,” hissed *princessorono.*

*Professor X*: Even those not apparently in the  running still draw well-wishers…and harsh critics. Professor Xavier has emerged with new credibility since his loss to the Joker in 2000, but says he is not running in 2008. His “eggheaded” intellectualism about Global Mutation now seems almost psychic in light of the rising Mutant birthrate. President Joker continues to cast doubt on  Global Mutation, and has been known to release laughing gas into the White House press chamber when asked about the issue. Yet polls show more and more Americans support Professor Xavier’s position. Republicans dismiss this as “mind control,” but Xavier’s fans in the blogosphere beg him to run.

*The Hulk and Sgt Rock*: Rivalry between the Hulk and General(formerly Sgt.) Rock engulfs FantasticHQ, where Dr. Banner’s fans  still see his volatility as a strength. “I think that a freakishly strong green giant wearing ridiculously tiny purple pants is exactly what America needed in 2004. And it’s what we need today,” mused *icemancometh* “It’s not just a chemical reaction caused by government experimentation-it’s passion.” General  Rock’s supporters, meanwhile, are still begging him to run despite doubts about his charisma and political acumen. As one *xanderharris* put it:”It’s still all about security in 08. So how can we afford to throw away he only guy who’s been in continuous action since World War II? He may be a little rough around the edges, sure, but come on. He’s come back from the dead, people. Now that’s staying power!”

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But if one fact can cheer Dem fans in the blogosphere, it’s that the Republican front-runners are so slow to appear. While Secretary of State Catwoman is an inside-the-Beltway Republican favorite, there are many concerns about her appeal to base voters. As *neronguy* at BlogofEvilMutants put it: “Let’s just say it: unmarried dominatrix. It will never play in the heartland. Although I personally love it…her long, leather-clad legs, her cruelly spiked boots…the way she flicks the whip just so…uh, I gotta go.” 

Reached for comment in his secret lair, Vice President Lex Luthor explained that his party was unconcerned with the current lack of candidates. “Frankly, we do have candidates. We’ve just been feeding them one by one to the Great Cthulhu (R-R’leyeh). As one of the Great Old Ones, he has designs on devouring every single human he encounters. That’s a narrative that  really resonates with our base. Destruction, raw power, devouring worlds-what can I say? He polls well.”

Meanwhile, since super-powers are not enough to impress the Democratic blogosphere, a new online movement seeks out super-*natural*-powers. The website has attracted considerable attention. Its founder, known only as *pauloftarsus* says, “It’s a long shot, admittedly. He’s single and a marginally employed construction worker. But as I was going over the disgruntlement with our current slate, I kept thinking, ‘What do they want? The friggin’ SON of GOD’? And then I thought: HELL YES!” There is as yet no response from Heaven about the website, although reportedly the Cherubim and Seraphim are organizing an exploratory committee. 
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Crossposted at The Next Agenda and Daily Kos.
All images in public domain and obtained from the Art Renewal Center.. Minerva and the Combat of Mars and Minerva by Jaques-Louis David. Hercules by John Singer Sargeant. Hell (cropped) by Hieronymous Bosch. Knight of the Holy Grail by Frederick Judd.
Text copyright the author and may not be used without permission.


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